Sunday, February 12, 2006

Stretch Less Down Under

In my neverending quest for universal brotherhood, world peace and free beer for all, I have come across this remarkable product that "prevents and even cures unsightly stretch marks", whose "natural, herbal formula goes to work instantly on problem spots, revealing your healthy, glowing beauty". According to the advertiser,
The key to our extraordinary formula is EMU oil. This is the same natural ingredient used for centuries by Australian aborigines in the scorching, harsh climate of the Australian Outback. We combine it with the healing, moisturizing effects of Aloe, avocado oil, squalene and vitamins A, E and B – all pure ingredients with the transforming properties that give you smooth, supple skin, resistant to the ravages of pregnancy and the extreme stretching of weight gain.
Incredible, but true. Whoever knew the emus had it in them? Or, for that matter, the aborigines? David Beckham may have hung up his "kangaroo boots" but there's fight in the ol' outback yet!

This, by the way, is an emu:


Ultra StretchAway is 100% guaranteed to work!
Try it for yourself! You and your partner will delight in the results.
Indeed. Perhaps I should relocate to Australia and make my millions in koala-sweat or cassowary-guano. Ever since the Gold Rush got rid of half the swag and the dot.coms took care of the other half, California has been feeling a little, uh, empty?

And his ghost may be heard as it sings in the billabong,
"Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?"

19 comments:

el rel said...

all the other ingredients (derived from plants) will do the trick, so boiling down emus for their oil seems quite unnecessary. Get Brinda Karat into action on this one. She's been picketing some Himalayan swami for using human skulls in his medicines. Emus unite! You have nothing to lose but your lives.

Kele Panchu said...

I think the EMU co. should partner with 'LA weight loss' or 'Jenny Craig' to expand their business. In that way side-effect of weight loss could be healed immediately. Buy 'Jenny Craig' plan get one month supply of EMU free!

expiring_frog said...

@el rel: Perhaps one could boil B. Karat.

@Panchu-da: Weight loss funda-ta kothae pelen? Oboshyo-i etar suproyog kora jae. Emu-r chhobi lagiyechhi, thik jeno Heshoram Hushiyar-er Diary theke neoa.

DD said...

EMUr chhobita post tate pran ene diyechhe. puro jim carreyr moto dekhte oke.

expiring_frog said...

@dd: Haan bhebe dekhlam the humour/incongruity of the ad might be lost on those who have never seen an emu :P

Kele Panchu said...

EMU ki missing link? Satyi i khub go-bechara dekhte! Nature conservancy'r pad e EMU'r chhobi thake, sudhu ei karun mukh er jonyoi bodh hoi!

Emu, tumi ki paakhi?
uRhte tomar maana
tai ki karun tomaar aankhi?

Tomar khNyangra kaathi thyang
taito tomai niye likhlo lipi
mritoprai ei byang|

satchisgod said...

Tor emu bejai khochey-aachi looks dicchey.
And N Ban/Ali Akbar recordings?...hullo? Dibbi bhuley geli? Satriani aabar edik paaney aaschey...bhabchi jaabo kina. Er aagerbaar-e guitar-e shoi-ta korano hoi ni;)

expiring_frog said...

@Panchu-da:
Emu bollo bhengchi mari:
Ami udhte nai ba pari,
Oi khyangda kathi
Thyanger lathi
Kintu bhaloi jhadi.

@satchisgod: Oti oboshyo-i. Ami ftp chalanor cheshta korchhi. Satch-ke diye shoi koranor cheye bhalo or geeter-ta churi kore niye esho.

satchisgod said...

Tenku and tenku and tenku. Aaj sharadin shunbo. Tobey, Vilayat Khan-o chai :D

Aar nah, Onar jinish jhaa(n)pley paap hobey aamar:)

Teleute said...

i'm terribly tempted to feed the emu. it looks most starved to me. do you think it likes cotton candy?

expiring_frog said...

@teleute: [sotto voce] I like cotton candy too.

Rimi said...

ah, here you are, froggy my love! i have asked the man himself, and he most vehemently claims to be a Judean, through and through.

i feel so smug and superior, you've no idea. by the way, there should be a WARNING at the beginning of the page. do you have any idea how scary the emu looks? i mean, really. one minute you're placidly scrolling down, next minute you've spilt hot tea on yourself!

Rimi said...

forgot to add furious emoticons (re. hot tea on self and favourite blue cotton dress). so here they are:

:X :x :x

and here's an extra for circulating vile untruths about our dear faculty members.

:x

kindly take very broad hint and profusely apologise :P

"sen"sational said...

the emu looks hungry?? hungry u say?? i say it looks postively scary!!..mone hoy ekhuni screen theke beriye ese thokor marbe... (and here people are enquiring whether it likes cotton candy or not... really...what is the world coming to...)

p.s. on second thoughts...it probably looks scary because it is hungry..who knows...

expiring_frog said...

@rimi:
- So what brings you here, Monsieur Rick?
- I came here to taste the waters.
- But this is a desert!
- I was misinformed.

But why Tintin's academic ancestry should be a stimulus for such self-congratulation is beyond me.

Apologies for ruining your blue dress. Now that sounds exactly like what Clinton must have said.

Leaving out the colons, I respond with a simple Xxxx.

@"sen"sational: Have you read "Revenge of the Ravenous Emu"?

Rimi said...

Because I was right, and you weren't! Ta-da!
And I have this theory, do you know, that distance makes the heart safer.

*beams with large-eyed innocence*

expiring_frog said...

> Because I was right, and you weren't!

Aha. My leftist soul surfaces.

> distance makes the heart safer.

And I thought it was all about cutting out cholesterol.

[beams back in a vague but friendly way]

Teleute said...

and now that i bring cotton candy for you, too, am i beamed at in a vague, friendly, as well as come hither manner?

expiring_frog said...

@tely: Brighter than a thousand suns, m'dear :D